My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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