Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
