i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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