he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
