Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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