I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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