Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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