Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize