Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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