i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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