So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
