The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
