Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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