i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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