doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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