my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
