oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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