i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
as a side note pls kill me
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
