There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
