Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
