I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Come on in and take your pants off
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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