what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
