They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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