she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
