we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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