I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
