the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
