oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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