When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
