Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
