it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.