Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger