just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
