Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems