So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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