if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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