I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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