Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
