New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
