So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
