I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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