If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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