Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
