I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
