the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
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And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
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I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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