Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
is it fun? or sober?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
