You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
