There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
