Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
a search helicopter?!
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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