it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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