I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
