i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
