Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
