Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
