i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
