Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
