Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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