I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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