you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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