Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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