Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
