I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
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I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
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That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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